Safety. How F_ucking The Pillow Can Set You Free
I’ve been on a personal development journey for the last 30 years. Having grown up in a culture that confused the hell out of me, it was no surprise that I came out feeling like I am broken, and in sore need of fixing.
I was supposed to be a good girl, always polite and giving. Smart, accomplished, fit, and beautiful. Agreeable and non-confrontational.But if I wanted to show off my accomplishments, I was being a conceited snob. If I wanted to show off my fitness or beauty I was stuck up and proud and “better than everyone else”. If I agreed on principle, I was a pushover and since I avoided conflict, I had no spine. If I was quiet, I was a stuck up bitch.
And don’t even get me started on sex
I remember as a child, exploring my body at night and my mom found me and brought my dad over and they stood over me and shamed the fuck out of me. I was probably 5 or 6. Made me feel so small. My dad called me a whore the first time I put mascara on a way to a high school dance. My body was obviously disgusting, and the sexual urges I felt as a teenager, something to be ashamed of. And then came men, who expected me to be free, uninhibited, and sexy, but only to them. Not to anyone else. My body after all didn’t belong to me. It was up to everyone else to decide what was right or wrong with me at any given moment.
I wasn’t confused in the beginning. I was a carefree child; intuitive, primal, loving, connected to nature and all things. I would talk to the moon when I woke up in the middle of the night when I was 4, talk to the forest in gratitude for the basket of mushrooms I picked when I was 9. I saw the beauty in everything. I was connected to myself until I was told that everything about me was wrong. Even those things that were asked of me.
I am not unique. I am a woman
For thousands of years, the power of primal feminine was systematically constricted, obscured, subjugated, and persecuted. We have been gaslit for centuries to make us forget who we really are. Hunted for witchcraft when we danced and sang and used herbs as medicine. Hunted as whores when we dared to own our bodies and our sexual pleasure. Rejected as unclean when we bled. Suppressed as feeble-minded when our minds surpassed those of men. Owned like a beast of burden to work and procreate and provide value to the men.
It happened for so long that we believed the lie. Daughters watching their mothers, broken, beaten, resigned and either following in their footsteps without question or trying to get away only to find that they stand alone.
You think you are liberated because you live in the US in the 21st century? Think again.
If you have EVER been called a bitch for speaking your mind, slut for wearing a low cut dress, paid less than a man for the same work, or dismissed for your contribution because you are a woman, you live the legacy of our grandmothers.
And it is not just men that perpetuate this madness. We, women, hold each other down. Threatened by one of us daring to break away. How come she gets to be outspoken, successful, sexually free, and owning her power!? Bitch, you are breaking the rules, so get in line. If I have to suffer, so should you!
Often when I would get together with women, there would be a lot of complaining: I feel so fat, my boyfriend is an asshole, I have been passed for promotion, there are no good men left out there, etc., but rarely anyone would come and say: I feel so beautiful, I am so successful, I have mind-blowing sex…with myself, life is amazing for me. Why? Why is it so hard to celebrate ourselves and celebrate other women when they reach for the stars?
Because we believe that those are the rules and we must abide by them.
And I am not here to make you wrong. If that is the world you want to live in, you have a right to do that. AND. Before you decide, I want to ask you. Have you ever wondered what would it be like if you could shake off this haze? Like a dog getting out of the water, to shake off the mud of accumulated beliefs, restrictions, judgments of what a perfect woman should look like, sound like, feel like, talk like, behave like. So you could stand in the full glory and power of a Woman. Owning your mind, your body, your sex, your pleasure, your voice, your agency, and your choices?
Decide who YOU ARE
And stop apologizing and asking for permission. Stop playing nice, stop keeping quiet, stop discounting yourself in relationships. What will it take?
More than affirmations. More than superficial therapy. It will take creating radical safety and reclaiming the deep primal aspects of us that have been shamed and delegated to the shadows.
When we desire transformation and we try to achieve it at the level of the mind, we spend decades in therapy or self-exploration, talking of what we already know. When we are working with a good therapist and we start processing emotions and healing trauma, we make a little more progress.
But it is not until we can tap into the deepest part of our nervous system, the part that is charged with safety, the part that is driven by instinct and give THAT voice, that we can truly heal and own our power.
It is in creating safety and integration of all parts of us that we reclaim ourselves.
The primal brain is charged with survival. It will do WHATEVER IT TAKES to survive. It is the energy that turns a healthy cell into a mutated cancer cell that just won’t die because life wants to live. It is the energy of water that will follow the path of least resistance to keep going. It is the energy of your beloved cat, who is looking at the birds outside the window and you touch it when he least expects it, and he bites you.
It is the pull of nature.
If we don’t understand our primal instincts and desires, or worse, suppress and deny them, because of shame or societal conditioning, we turn to dysfunctional behaviors that put us at risk. No boundaries, pleasing others, keeping quiet when everything in you is screaming NO. Or denial, victimhood, control, greed, fear, clinging, when we hear internal ‘I WANT THAT”, but the conditioning is telling us we shouldn’t want. It’s not woman-like to want, to desire, to demand.
To transform and free yourself, you must allow all that lives within you to be. Because it already is.
To liberate yourself from the conditioning of culture or society, you must free yourself first from your own oppression. From your own judgment. From your own rejection.
So f-ck that pillow. I mean literally. Grind your hips, connecting to the primal sexual being that you are. Kill that pillow. Yes, punch it, rip it, shred it, throw it and do all that you’ve denied yourself. Moan, scream, yell, growl, if you feel so inclined, or not. Lock the doors to your room and do what society finds unacceptable in a woman and see what arises. Maybe shame, maybe embarrassment, maybe memories, maybe rage, maybe fear, and maybe the raw, primal, original essence of the goddess who is all of this and more, standing guard over you and waiting for you to come home. If you are lucky, you will get it all.
Maybe you are thinking “Is she insane”? I thought so too. Until I killed a pillow and found my NO. Until I f-ked the pillow and found my YES. Until the goddess within showed me a way towards freedom.
Consider the seed planted. For whenever you are ready.
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